Being a dad is a lot of work. Being a dad of twins is the most labour intensive job in the World. It is up there with being a brain surgeon or rocket scientist in terms of actual hours worked.
Father’s of twins usually work “part-time(40 hours per week)”on their “full time” job. The rest of their time, around 120 hours per week, is spent cleaning up shit/puke, feeding and trying to stop their home being destroyed by a Twinado.
If you are reading this then it is probably too late to be saved. Your wife has had or will soon have twins and your life will essentially be over for a fifth of a century.
3 Scary Truths For Every Father of Twins
1.Your Social Life Is A Fleeting Memory
Do you remember when you used to love painting the town red? When you were foot lose and fancy-free and lived for Friday night? When the banterous Boys nights were unlimited and your life was so much fun? When you have twins those nights will become a distant memory.
Your memories of a social life will be filed in the memory cabinet beside kissing girls in teenage discos. You remember the good times but the memories seem like hazey fantasies.
Men need to get together and blow off testosterone saturated steam. It’s part of being a red-blooded male. The second you get the news that your wife will have twins your inner social animal is tamed. It’s not an instant process, but rather more gradual, like balding. First, you notice a light patch in the mirror and then within a year or two you look like Pierre Luigi Colina. Insert image.
Social balding is the same. First, you miss a friend’s party. Then two years later on Friday night at 8 pm, you are bathing your twins sniffling to yourself about how you have let yourself go. Your twins have broken you and you fear to leave your house after dark.
2.Bein a Father of Twins Costs The Same Travelling the World for 33 Years
Becoming a father of twins is like having a 22-year-old Russian Model wife that did not marry you for your looks. All that they want is your money. Nothing else really matters. Twins are insatiable and always need something bought for them. Not only do they demand every drop of emotional attention that you can forgo, but they need all of your money too.
3.Twins Use The Same Torture Techniques as Terrorists and Tyrants.
The Navy seals go through something known as “Hell Week“. They have to run over 200 miles and workout for 20 hours per day. The icing on the cake is that they do this with only 4 hours sleep for 5 days. How does that sound to you? Hard as hell, right?
What have tyrant governments and terrorist organizations twins got in common?
They all use sleep deprivation as a form of torture – James Doherty
Well, those little navy seals have it easy compared to Twin Dads. Try being sleep deprived for 156 painstaking weeks as opposed to 5 measly days. Dads of twins would make perfect spies. You could send a father of twins to North Korea as a spy and have no fear of him giving in if he was tortured. He has undergone torture for years on end and never gave in.
If you are going to become a father of twins your life will become FUBAR – Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition. You will have no social life, be broke and live a life of ongoing torture. If you are already a twin dad then you know the score in the sad dad club. For those that don’t have twins, we will see you in 18 years, if we survive.