4 years ago, Olivia led care free happy lives. We had travelled the World together and were happily settled in Berlin. Although, I wasn’t happy in my job, life was good. We lived, and still live in a stunning Altbau(old building) Berlin apartment. Our idyllic Prussian dwelling was the envy of our friends and we wanted for nothing.
I distinctly remember how much time free time we had to enjoy life. We didn’t have a care in the World. Weekend trips and luxurious holidays were the norm. In Winter we drank on Glühwein at the Christmas Markets and in summer we wen on long bike tours to the lakes that surround the city.
We felt like teenagers romantically exploring every nook and cranny that this exciting metropolis had to offer. Looking back, it was a wonderful time and we both felt happy and free. There was one thing missing, a child. We started trying for a baby which added more excitement to our lives. The initial phase of trying for a baby is great as it means lots of sex.
“After trying for 18 months sex turned a chore”
After trying for 18 months sex turned a chore. Our sex life had lost its spontaneity. It went from having fun trying to conceive to meticulously planned appointments around Olivia’s fertile days. The longer it went without Olivia getting pregnant the harder it got.
Our beautiful, big, Berlin apartment started to feel empty. We kept trying and kept getting negative pregnancy test results. Each time Olivia got her period the pressure began to build. I was in my early thirties but Olivia was 35. Her body clock was ticking and she was getting broodier by the day.
“I had morphology and motility Issues With my sperm.”
We got checked out and the results were not good. Luckily, Olivia had fully functional reproductive organs but my results were not so promising. I morphology and motility issues with my sperm. The chances of us getting pregnant naturally were very low. The only option was IVF in the form of ICSI.
It was a devastating blow but we had no choice but to go through ICSI if we wanted a family. Going into fertility treatment we had no idea just how hard it would be. We were so naive and uneducated to how the procedure worked. Our first two attempts at ICSI were terrible failures.
“Everything went wrong during the first two IVF treatments”
Everything went wrong during the first two IVF treatments. Olivia was over stimulated by the horrific hormones, the clinic was bad, the doctors were bad and it nearly ended in divorce. It was by far the biggest challenge that our relationship had ever faced. We were brought to our knees and we nearly gave up.
It was hard to see it at the time but the two failed treatments thought us many life lessons. To make the treatment work we had to improve our diets, lose weight, work hard on relationship, learn to be mindful and meditate. We had to revamp our life for the treatment to work.
Before the treatment we both smoked and drank a lot. Failed IVF led us to drink much less and to give up smoking. Since the failed treatments I have learned to treat my body and mind much better.
Had I not suffered so much, I would not have changed my life in so many positive ways. As hard as it was failed IVF was, it was the kick up the ass that my life needed. The changes were drastic and took a lot of work but without them we could not have a family.
The changes that we made our lives led to the third round of IVF being successful. We approached the last treatment healthier than we had ever been and it was a success. Today were blessed with beautiful twins and our dreams have come true. The two failed treatments made us stronger people and are the reason we now have Max and Mathilda.
“Failed IVF forces you to look in the mirror and learn a lot of lessons”
Failed IVF forces you to look in the mirror and learn a lot of lessons. At the time it seems harsh and unfair but it is during the darkest times that you learn the most about yourself. Positive change and improvement come from suffering. Failed IVF is in some ways the best thing that ever happened to me as it thought me so much about myself.